Daydreams
by WoodWatch
Summary: There's a menacing cyclone on the horizon, and it's no regular downpour. Our favorite characters will have to face the warped reaches of their psyches if they hope to weather this storm. Language, violence, drug use and adult themes.
1. Chapter 1

**More attractive people than I own Regular Show. Please don't sue me, I'm already broke.**

The fan filled room. There were other noises to be heard on that warm summer day - the soft crunching of gravel from passing pedestrians, the warm patter of a nearby fountain. Conversation could be heard from the floor. A dry and frustrated voice explained that butterscotch ripple would not suffice as payment for a new roof; a gleeful chortle promised to return with strawberry cream. Footsteps above caused old construction to creak and moan as the strike of hammer on nail on tar reverberated through the rooms.

A lukewarm breeze engulfed the bird, starting at his knees, then beak, then chest and eyes. Feathers fluttered then settled. Every time he counted, the breeze from the fan was three seconds behind its oscillation. In his haze this was a hypnotic idea, that the air from the fan was both so fast and so slow that it would reach him after its source had turned away. To him this was the answer to an existential question he dared not ask. To a random Joe-off-the-street, this was just some twenty-something stoner staring into a plastic fan.

And it was.

With a flick of his bill, the bird pulled his mind back from shores of consciousness. _This was good stuff_, he thought as the room began to spin.

Mordecai placed a wing under his head and leaned back to stare at the ceiling. He was bored. Rigby wouldn't be back before the evening; the poor raccoon took the brunt of the blame for the most recent disaster to strike the park and was tasked to help fix the damages. To be fair, the WallCo desk lamp was quite unassuming; no one would have guessed that it housed a genie. And who _wouldn't_ wish for a lifetime supply of Cheezers? It just all went so horribly wrong.

He scowled then crooked an eyebrow then smirked, trying to find the right expression for his altered state of mind. Finally he settled with a goofy blank stare and snickered. Eyes closed, but the world became brighter. There were tiny flashes in the darkness - one, then another, then another and another. The tiny starbursts multiplied, but their intensity subdued until they filled the blackness with a film grain. From this noise emerged a checkerboard of light and dark that drifted across his consciousness, inverting suddenly then fading into the background as quickly as it emerged. The blackness became darker still and a small orange ring of light approached from infinity.

"Vssssssh" Water rushed through the house's lead pipes. Sweat from the day's heat caused the bird to shiver. A shower, now that wasn't a bad idea.

This newfound initiative pushed him to his feet, but the world protested on all three axes. A short stumble forward, a hand to stabilize, and the ground became solid once more.

The room was the nicest he'd had for some time. Plenty of space and lead-free paint, a warm bed - well, at least one of them got a bed - and regular meals; he'd hate to admit it, but this was a great deal. Walking to the window brought the outside world into view. Kids flew kites and played games while couples leisurely strolled hand-in-hand, everything was perfectly normal for once. It had been a nice day, maybe a bit warm for his liking but it had that perfect puffy-clouds-and-fresh-cut-grass of summer. Now though it was getting late and the Sun sat lazily in the sky, not quite sundown but it definitely wasn't the afternoon anymore. He turned to the fan once more; maybe it's where he stood in the room, but he was certain it'd grown louder.

A light, a drag, a sharp pain in his lungs - that was enough. No one was to be found in the halls that afternoon, leaving the bird alone with his thoughts. _Good_. Unlike his raccoon confidant, Mordecai took on a stoic poise when he toked. This was a time for relaxation and quiet, a separation and amplification of the senses. Conversation was just a distraction.

Blue feathers twisted a lever and brought rain.

The person it met shivered and settled in the pleasant warmth. It was nice to finally relax without the hassle of genocidal monsters or supernatural disasters to break his concentration. Honestly, he felt bad for not helping his bro cleanup after their latest fiasco, but the past few weeks had pushed Mordecai to his rope's end and he just needed a break from the insanity. He made a mental note to make it up Rigby soon. In the meantime, the water felt good after a long day of apathy. Steam billowed through the room and the blue jay began to wander through the haze of his mind.

_"Mordecai. Mordecai." a stern voice demanded. The bird blinked and looked forward, his beak flushing with a subtle red hue. Giggles bounced across the room. _

_Ms. Carmichael sighed with a frown. "Of course. Everyone class is dismissed, remember your reports are due tomorrow and they had better be in cursive!" She twilled, "And Mordecai, I would like to speak with you."_

_More giggling. _

_Humans shuffled out the room whispering and snickering, leaving the young bird to suddenly feel quite lonely indeed. It's not that he was alone - he was certainly aware of his teacher's unsavory presence - but that he saw again just how different he was. His eyes drifted to the ground where they intended to stay for the remainder of the conversation._

_When the last student had left the room, the door smacked shut under its own weight. Mordecai stood awkwardly before his teacher, a wrinkled old lady, but not frail in the least. Ms. Carmichael was well respected in the town as a model teacher, but it was her refusal to age, to retire, to let others take care of her that would make even the wiliest of young men remove their hats in her presence. She had grown up in the thick of the Cali-Texan War and the old lady had never gone soft. At the ripe age of 70, she still carried her own groceries, tilled her own garden, and cleared her own gutters. _

_A few awkward seconds of staring at floor tiles passed before his teacher finally spoke. "What do should I do?" She asked. He groaned, this was going to be a condescending one._

_"What should I do with you anymore, Mordecai? Four times, Mordecai, four days in row now. What is so interesting that you just can't be bothered to participate? Do you care for your education at all?" She released a slow barrage of indignation. "Because if you don't care, why should we waste both my time and yours?" They both knew that the blue jay couldn't care less about world history, but he knew better than to agree. _

_"I know, you're right, I know, Ms. Carmichael, and I need to pay attention. I'm sorry, Ms. Carmichael" He was in no mood for a lecture, and placation seemed the quickest route to the door. His gaze still fixed to the floor, Mordecai noticed the turquoise stripe on her otherwise drab and sterile dress. The old woman must be in a good mood today. While she was stern in her discipline, which meant she was stern all the time, part of him knew that beneath her harsh demeanor was a devotion to her job and her students. Maybe he even felt a bit guilty. _

_The woman's voice softened to a stern plea. "I want to see you do well. I want to see you succeed Mordecai, you're such a smart young man when you're not acting so dull. But this can't keep happening." She sighed again, but her tone eased, "And you know you have a lot of hurdles here. That's not your fault, Mordecai, I'm not saying that's your fault but we both know it's true. The people around here, they're just not used to…" she paused "to different people. They've always lived around normal-" The old woman winced at the word and started again. "They don't often meet people with feathers."_

_The blue jay's face dropped. He knew, but it sucked to hear all the same. She was right, a family of blue jays in a town full of humans wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Regardless, his dad found good work and they got by pretty well, so it was mostly okay. Mostly. _

_"I know, Ms. Carmichael. It won't happen again, Ms. Carmichael."_

_Ms. Carmichael saw his face and knew her point had been made. "Please pay attention, Mordecai. And don't forget your essay, I had better see a thesis sentence this time." The old lady smiled with a trace of concern, "That is all, enjoy your afternoon. "_

_"Will do Ms. Carmichael!" Mordecai nodded, letting a glimpse of enthusiasm shine through his frown as he shuffled towards the door "Thank you Ms. Carmichael"_

"Ah dude!" The blue bird jumped forward from the water, desperately scrambling to escape the freezing-cold stream. A rush of water elsewhere in the house turned the shower to ice. "Du- what the F Benson!" he cursed aloud with no evidence to support his accusation. Moments later the cold had run its course and a reluctant blue wing tested water once more. He shook his head and closed his eyes, letting warm water wash over his beak. Outside, a cloud passed under the sun, shading the landscape and casting a menacing grayness through the steamed bathroom window.

_That had gone better than he'd thought, and maybe - just maybe - he'll even make an effort tomorrow just for that. Until then, it was a sunny blue day and he hadn't a care in the world. Rigby would be out of detention soon and they could go find mischief in the old industrial park. It was a popular destination for the two, always glass to shatter or a new room to explore. Once they even found an unopened beer under one of the loading docks. The two argued for an hour how to split it - by size or 50/50 - before a round of punchies settled the squabble. It was one of the few times that Rigby won the game - not directly, but when Mordecai heaved and gagged from the bitter drink. Daydreams of adventures filled the adolescent's head, though truth be told it didn't matter what they did this afternoon. All that mattered was that he was free for another day. _

_Or so he had hoped. Three familiar faces came into view as soon as he stepped out onto the gravel lot. His gate stiffened and his eyes shot to the ground once again. "Ah, damn"_,_ he'd thought._

_"Hey buuuuddy, how was your make-out session with Ms. Carmichael? She let ya grab 'em?" The tallest one sneered._

_The blue jay kept walking, kept staring forward, hoping for just a glancing taunt from these buttheads. _

_"Hey," their leader, Austin, step forward. He was a tall and lanky kid with a horrible sneering grin. "Hey you little shit, did I say you could leave?"_

_Keep your mouth shut and act like you're out of earshot. The tactic was often successful._

_"HEY QUEER" He flinched and a bolt of dread shot through his chest from the voice now right behind him. Mordecai stopped and turned, there would be no walking away from this one. Maybe he could try reasoning with them. _

_"Look man, I need to get home and-" was all he could manage before he was pushed to the ground. _

_"Did I give you permission to speak? You talkin' back to me?" The leader snapped back "Did I say you could walk away from me, Nugget?"_

_The bird's mind moved to diplomatic submission as he rose to his feet. "Please guys, I didn't mean anything by it, just let me go-" and once again he was on the ground. _

_"Who you lookin' at today? Huh? Cause I think you was lookin' at Macy, but I know I told you you'd better never be lookin' at Macy again." The bully grinned back to his two companions "Heh, what you think she'd ever have something to do with a fuckin' bird?" He spit the last word. _

_Mordecai glanced away, he didn't dare respond._

_"I asked you a fuckin question, chickenshit" Austin would not let up. His cronies Travis and Matt stepped forward, the former a pudgy, baby-faced creep and the latter a scrawny redneck. Travis in particular scared Mordecai because he never said much, but the way he looked at him was pure evil. It was like he was plotting, planning just how he would pluck the blue jay apart and toss him in a deep friar; how he would cackle as he skillfully tortured his victim. Austin was a prick, but he was just some jackass kid with an overactive pituitary gland, your run of the mill schoolyard bully. Matt got his rocks off jamming firecrackers in rats and hanging cats over clotheslines. But Travis, Travis was dangerous. _

_The blue jay glanced back towards the bullies and he didn't dare remain silent._

_"N-no, no way man, heh" the bird gulped "Heh, that's stupid."_

_"Yeah that's fuckin stupid." The bully grabbed Mordecai and pulled him close "You're not a bird brain, are ya Mordecry?"_

_"N-no. No way Austin"_

_"Bullshit! You look like a bird brain to me." _

_Mordecai just nodded timidly. _

_"I ever see you sniffin around her, I ever see you fuckin' lookin' at her again, and I'm havin' chicken nuggets for dinner. You got that? I will fuckin kill you. " The tone of the leader's voice was final and he released the body. _

_Without looking up, the animal pulled himself to his feet and picked up his book bag from the dust. That was harsher than usual, and he was just glad to get away._

_"He don't fuckin' listen! I don't get it, it's like the kid just can't fuckin' hear," Austin said turning back to his gang, then grabbed the blue jay by the shoulder "I'm 'bout to beat your ass you fucking freak. Did. I. Tell. You. To. Leave?" He enunciated each word._

_"Please guys" Mordecai's voice was cracked and pathetic, he was surprised by the escalation._

_"Please, oh please guys!" Matt mocked in falsetto._

_A frothy grin crept across Travis's face. "He looks hungry." _

_Austin's face turned malicious as he suddenly remembered. "Oh that's right! We brought you a snack, Mordecry." Travis let out a wet and menacing giggle and shoved his fat hand into a camouflage backpack. A short rummage later, he pulled out a grey styrofoam bowl with matching lid. The bird's heart shrank and he hoped this couldn't be what he'd thought, or at least he pled with reality that this wasn't really happening. The pudgy human pulled off the lid and grinned at the soil. _

_"Aw, he don't look too happy!" Travis squealed with delight._

_"What's wrong, Mordecry?" Austin sneered "I thought birds loved worms, and we got the biggest, juiciest mothafuckers we could find." He cackled sarcastically before settling on a goofy frown "You're not ungrateful, are you Mordecry? Here I thought we was friends, here I thought we was doin' somethin' nice for ya." His glare turned to a menacing smirk once more. "Why don't you try one for your buddies, huh? We went through sooo much trouble to get them."_

_"Ya wouldn't want to hurt our feelings would ya?" Matt snickered._

_"N-no guys, I don't eat worms, I just eat n-normal food like you" _

_"Like me? Bullshit! birds eat fuckin' worms, I seen 'em all the time eaten fuckin worms. So fuckin' eat it."_

_"No way! Come on Austin, just let me go-" Mordecai pleaded. _

_Austin jabbed his victim in the stomach. "Eat. the fucking. worm." _

_"Please I don't want to! Please!" Mordecai tried to resist, but seconds later he was wrestled to the ground. "Get off Austin!" Beak jammed in the dirt and a stream of blood flowing from his nares. Mordecai push away from the ground as hard as he could, only to move back into a headlock. _

_"Open your mouth!" Mordecai bit down hard as he could, but the bully's grip was steel. The others joined in, hands clawing at his face, pulling mandibles apart. No matter how he struggled, the creature could not free itself its assailant's grip. Austin rolled his weight forward and jabbed four quick punches across the bird's face "I said open ya fuckin' mouth" A second later, Travis jammed a stick between the blue jay's beat, tearing across his tongue and levering his beak apart. Mordecai couldn't move, and when it became clear that there was no stopping the inevitable, he reluctantly did as he was told. He winced and a squeak escaped from his throat. This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening. And a moment later, it did. _

_The fat one had a maniac grin of delight as he lowered a night crawler to its fate. A disgusting texture of sticky mucus and wet dirt fell over the bird's tongue as tears welled in his eyes. _

_"That's a juicy one ain't it?" Austin cackled "That's a nice biggun jus' for you, Mordecry! Ain't we good friends, Mordecry? Down the hatch, Mordecry."_

_The bird locked his eyelids, damming streams of saline and did as he was told. The night crawler wriggled into knots in protest. He swallowed, but the annelid just wouldn't go down. He heaved it back onto his tongue and the sickening sensation of squirming meat returned. Scared and disgusted, Mordecai bit down, the worm burst, and he gulped again. The deed done, his bullies threw him to the ground._

_Sobs. "What's the matter, Mordecry? You gonna MordeCRY for us, Mordecry?" All three had an exaggerated frown. "Poor little Mordecry." Blood leaked from his nostrils, a thick red blood that matted his feathers and filled his mouth with iron. Feathers turned a brilliant crimson, shining ruby red in the afternoon sun. Austin stepped forward, Mordecai shuffled backwards in the dirt. "Fly away, chickenshit." _

_And Mordecry did as he was told, hurrying off in an awkward limp, sobbing quietly while hugging his backpack over his chest._

A hard knock from the door. "Hello? Is there anybody in there? May I perchance use the lavatory soon?" The bird's eyelids shot open, wincing from the water that hit his eyes. Soapy water poured down his feathers, gathering that terrible memory and washing it down the drain. The faucet turned, the water slowed. Outside that menacing cloud continued on its way and the Sun shone brightly once again.

"Gah! Oh, uh! Sorry Pops!" He yelled back, "Just gimme a few minutes!"

"Oh well alright, but do please make haste" a feeble voice replied.

The stream of water tapped on his beak for a moment before the bird lifted his head and turned away, letting the warmth fall on his shoulders and flow down his back.

What was he just going on about? Whatever it was made him uneasy, made him sad, but for his own life he couldn't remember his drug-laced visions even a few moments prior. _Red_ something. _Feathers. Red feathers. _Another sensation crept up his spine. Oh red feathers. The blue jay stood for some time, the stream of warm water pattering on his shoulders, seeing those red feathers through closed eyes. How they shined glossy in light, their vibrancy and stiffness, their warmth and softness and oh how they would feel pressed against his own. Just to run his wing through those feathers would suffice for the next eternity. _Red feathers._ And white feathers too. And deep eyes, a delicate beak, and a mischievous tongue. _Soft. Red. Feathers. _

"Vssssssh" another jolt of scolding-cold water shocked the passionate soul back to reality, and the blue jay leapt to safety once again. He was sure now that either Skips or Benson was sending him a message to wrap it up and let Pops do his business. A few seconds later the old plumbing of the house stabilized and tolerable water flowed once more. Where would he be in a few years? _Still at the park?_ Would there be genies in desk lamps or his crazy raccoon companion or a gumball machine with a short fuse… or red feathers?

Several more blank moments occupied his mind. Whatever thoughts he had would quickly evaporate with the steam, leaving no trace of their existence. A flick of a knob, a shake of his body, and a towel around his waist brought the shower to a close. His hand wiped the vanity mirror, and the young bird admired his svelte frame before the steam reclaimed the mirror. "Hm-hm, two at a time, ladies, two at a time" he said to no one.

The blue jay opened the door to find a thin, lollipop-headed gentleman stood dancing in the hallway with hands over his groin. Pops was clearly doing all he could to hold himself together, and Mordecai felt a wave of guilt rush across his face.

"Dude, I'm sorry Pops! I must have lost track of time." he suggested and stepped aside.

"Oh dear, Oh it's quite alright Mordecai but do excuse me!" and the door was shut again.

Not a minute later, Mordecai was perched again on his bed staring into the current of the fan. This was good stuff indeed. In the shower drain stood a single blue feather, on the floor were three drops of blood, and outside his window a dark storm began to form.

"-and you're going to clean up all this mess before it starts to rot OR YOU'RE FIRED!"

"WHAT? I already scraped the grilled cheese from the benches _and_ scrubbed all the ketchup off the cart!"

"And_ now _you're going to pick up all these paper bags and do…" The gumball rolled his eyes in utter contempt "…_something_ about these trees. I want them clean, Rigby, you got that? And I don't mean like you did with the waffle fries, I want these trees good as new."

"You're just pissed that I took care of the waffle fries without your dumb rules"

"Took care of- The house needs a NEW ROOF after your stupid little stunt!'" His boss yelled "And that kid is going to need years of therapy. No shortcuts!"

"Ugh come ooooon," The raccoon moaned "This isn't even my fault! Why doesn't Mordecai have to help? He was there too!"

"The bags say RIGBY, so RIGBY cleans them up!" Benson knew better than to put these two together and expect any work to follow.

"But it's about to rain!"

"Then you'd better get busy! I don't want this stuff seeping into the grass."

"Ugh! This is solame. This job is so lame. You. Are _lame_." The mammal pushed his head back in frustration.

"Oh, what's that? You don't want to keep your job? You don't want money to buy your stupid video games or burnt coffee? You don't want a roof over your head or a bed to sleep in? BECAUSE I'M HAPPY TO OBLIGE" A clear vein on his boss's dome bulged in rage.

"Hey woah, okay! I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding Benson!" The mammal started shoving torn Cheezers bags into a trashcan. "See? I'm picking up the bags, no big deal."

"Yeah. That's what I thought." The gumball machine shot a glare and turned to the cart.

_"Yessa Massa, I gun' be ah good worker a' pickin' up dem bags," _The raccoon muttered when he was sure his boss was out of earshot. Benson heard it clear as day but he was in no mood to continue with the immature mammal.

"Just get it done and clock out at 7." And the golf cart sped off.

"_Just get it done, just get it done."_ Rigby mocked in a high-pitched voice. His eyes scanned over the landscape. Bags, thousands of oil-stained paper bags littered the lawn. Burned sandwiches drooped impaled over tree branches and their leaves were soaked in grease and mayo. Soda pooled at low spots on the land and baked in the hot sun with a sickly sweet aroma. This was going to take forever.

No matter how many Cheezers bags Rigby shoved in the trashcans, there were just as many left to pick up. He put his mind on autopilot; this would be so much better if Mordecai were here. Rigby was still bitter at his friend for taking his day off despite the mess. The raccoon sighed and bit into one of the stale sandwiches from his trashcan - at least the food was good. He tossed the bag back into the trashcan, easily sinking the shot. Another bag, another two points. Now he was getting cocky. Running back several steps, he jumped, arched his back comically, and shot with an exaggerated follow-through. Nothing but net. Picking up two bags, he ran forward and hurdled the trashcan for a double-fisted slam-dunk.

"OOOOOOO-"

"_-OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH! And The Wonder does it AGAIN! Ladies and Gentlemen, you are witnessing what is quite possibly the most amazing display of talent and raw athletic ability in the history of this fine sport! The Bandit IS Basketball! The Elements are back in the game!" Bellowed Tony Quinn, basketball announcer extradonaire. _

_All around the crowd was boiling and screaming in a frenzy of adoration. Fans waved signs professing their love and lust for the raccoon sports star and as men clashed cups of beer in celebration and women wailed at the mention of his name. One hundred thousand fans in one place, now that was something even Rigby, #21 "The Bandit", had never seen before. It would have been humbling indeed, if the mammal had any concept of the sort. _

_131-67 burned brightly on the scoreboard. Only 5:56 left in the game. Maybe he was pushing it a bit this time, but The Bandit doesn't show up until The Bandit is good and damn well ready. The first half was rough for the Lambit City Elements but the tides turned as soon as that Raccoon's Maserati drove up to the court. He actually did mean to arrive in the first half, but his accountant, well she had a pressing matter that required his attention. Twice._

Whistles blew and the Elements were down to one time out.

_"Hustle up fellas, hustle up!" Number 86, a lanky kid from upstate. _

_The coach, a hometown orangutan, was in the center of the circle. "Alright guys, I know we've been getting our asses whipped all night, but our Wonder Boy is here now and we got this in the bag. Just remember, get Bandit the ball. I don't need any heroes, you're all on contract for at least another two seasons and 'long as you keep getting Bandit the ball, you'll be here for the next contract too. Get Bandit the ball" He pointed to each of them._

_"Yo coach, I gotta real clutch play, 54's still leaning to the right after that broke thumb an-"_

_"-and we get Bandit the ball. Good play, Lebrowski!" The coach cut in "Alright guys, bring 'em!"_

_"Huah" the Elements grunted and made their way to the court. Rigby was flirting over the railings when he saw his team move to formation. The skinny young blonde tore at her clothes like a rabid dog, but meh, she wasn't worth another timeout. _

_"You ready 21?" A referee asked._

_"I was born ready." And he turned to shoot finger pistols at the crowd. They went wild._

_Another whistle._

_The Sioux City Saxtons exploded to half-court knowing full well they'd have to bring their game if they hoped to win with their piddling 64-point lead. Their fat, red-faced coach Roy Shoemaker shouted plays across the court but the screams of the crowd were louder. Bo "Beast from the East" Lee #32 Saxton was the tallest, meanest baller around, and he had didn't waste any time to show it. Behind the back, between the legs, two wraparounds and it was just Beast and Bandit. Now Beast, well Beast was a fellow you wouldn't want breathing down your neck. One forceful step could end a raccoon of Rigby's stature. But The Bandit wasn't phased. Rigby leapt forward towards Lee, kicked off the back of #57 and flew into the air. All it took was a firm slap and the Beast's layup became a turnover._

_"Move up move up!" #86 yelled after receiving the pass. Even with The Bandit back, there wasn't time to slow down. Players weaved in and out to clear a path for the raccoon. _

_Rigby ran forward, but the Beast was back and ready to stop the mammal in his tracks. _

_"You're mine, little man."_

_" . We'll see."_

_The Bandit leapt upwards again, upwards through the mess of athletes, up above The Beast himself. For a moment it looked as though the Lee's powerful hand could swipe the raccoon out of the air, but Rigby pulled his feet up and rolled into a front flip at the last moment. In slow motion against a backdrop of camera flashes, #21 slammed the basketball through the hoop. The entire backboard shattered into a million diamonds that rained down to the court. Rigby landed on both feet, bowing theatrically; the crowd shriek and pulse in excitement. _

_The next few minutes were not kind to Saxton fans. Sure, they could just run down the clock, but the Saxtons feared the enraged crowd would tear them to shreds for that. Layups, backflips, half-court and even full-court shots were all precisely executed by The Bandit while the rest of the Elements did their job to get him on offense. At one point in the rally, "Devil" Johnson #18 of the Saxtons, knowing full well that he was outmatched, simply handed the raccoon the ball to save everyone the effort._

_When the dust settled, the Elements were only one point from winning and just two seconds from losing. Another Element passed the ball to #21 just north of the half-court. He saw a line to the basket and made his move. Three quick steps and he was in the air. Flying in the air._

_Right into the chest of The Beast. _

_Thud. Buzzer. Silence. _

_"You think you can get passed the BEAST? Go back to the street, little man" The dark man barked. _

_Rigby couldn't bring himself to open his eyes. He F'd up, he just kept running through what just happened, what he was sure didn't just happen. He wished he could just lay there and die. _

_The crowd wracked with screams and guttural noises._

_"You think you can drive onto MY court like you own it? You gotta pay tribute, fool." The Beast spit._

_#21 pulled himself up on one knee, then rose to his feet in shame. He wouldn't have even looked up, had it not been the noise from the crowd. Cheers and jeers turned to a maniacal, otherworldly shriek. The raccoon wiped the sweat from his eyes and beheld a horrifying sight. Every person in the crowd, every last one, was faceless! No eyes, no nose, no cheekbones, just a mouth. Just a gaping maw with three concentric rows of teeth bellowing a hellish shriek that shook the court. _

_"AH! WHAT THE F!" The raccoon yelled as he backed towards the center of the court. No matter where he turned his eyes, monsters surrounded him. When he finally broke from his terrified paralysis, he made a beeline towards the coach. Coach would help, Coach would know. But even his coach turned to reveal a bloody, gaping mouth shrieking back at him. With no other escape, Rigby dashed to his car still on the sidelines, but a giant stepped into his path and grabbed him by the neck._

_"Going somewhere, little man?" The Beast cackled and rows of concentric teeth expanded to fit their prey. The monster's long tongue shot out and wrapped around Bandit's neck. "Game's over, little man"_

_"No no no no no! No let me go!" Rigby struggled with all his might, but to no avail. "I'm The Bandit, you can't eat me! I MADE THIS GAME, I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING BAND-" and the raccoon's skull collapsed in the teeth with a crunch._

"YAH!" Rigby screamed and threw the trash bag to the ground, spilling the contents at his feet. His heart pounded. He spun around, but in all directions the park was just the park. A family of humans fed baby ducks in a nearby pond, kids were splashing in the fountain. The mammal shivered - he must be working too hard. For him, any real work was like straining an atrophied muscle, pain was sure to follow. But he didn't like what just happened, he felt as though he'd been trapped in that daydream, as though something had forced him into a nightmare.

"What the H was that?" He panted to himself and his heart began to slow. The raccoon shook his head and decided against eating any more food from the trash for now. A raindrop hit his nose and he screamed again.

"Oh come on you stupid sky!" Rigby raised a fist in disgust.

"Thanks for all your help, _Mordecai_, you're a real pal, _Mordecai_." Rigby cursed under his breath. "Always there to help a bro out, aren't ya _Mordecai?"_ He was still bitter about the whole ordeal. The lifetime supply, that part wasn't his idea; he just wanted one - one - Super-Supreme Cheezers Deluxe Stacker with double everything, hold the onions. "_Dude, just one stupid sandwich, dude_?" He mocked, "T_hat's why I went to college, dude._" It was that damn blue jay that should be picking up these bags. At the very least, they should be working together, _cause that's what best friends do_. But even in his sulking, all he wanted to do was throw down the paper bags and go hang with his bro.

Above him stood a single dark cloud casting an eerie grayness all around. Contrary to his very nature, the raccoon picked up the pace - just a few bags left - and if there was one thing he hated more than menial labor, it was cold and waterlogged fur.

And that cloud, that cloud gave him the creeps.

**aaaaaaaand that's a wrap. Sorry if it wasn't too deep in the plot, I just needed somewhere to start, a foundation of sorts. Plus I've never done this whole **_**writing for other people**_** thing before *Jazz hands*. Anyways, stay tuned, there are indeed more familiar faces to follow. **


	2. Chapter 2

**6/13/13 - Uploaded a new document with some minor improvements for flow and grammar. **

SLAM! The bedroom door threw open as a short, aggravated mammal entered the room. Rigby was in an almost comedic huff and he purposefully refused to acknowledge Mordecai sitting on the bed. He had just started to drift off when Rigby came barging in, but now he sat up in a barely-waking startle.

"Duuude, what the **H**? Didn't they ever teach you quiet?" Mordecai moaned. He was groggy and hung over from his high.

Rigby huffed and began digging through a pile of clothes for nothing in particular.

"So Benson still dropping his balls?" Mordecai chuckled nervously, but was met with no reply. "Heh?"

"Come on dude, it wasn't that bad." He defended

Nothing.

"It's not like **you** wouldn't take a day off if you had the chance." Which was exactly the wrong thing to say.

"I wouldn't have! Not if my bro needed help! Not if **I** was the one that screwed everything up!"

"Oh like **Rigby **doesn't mess everything up every time anyone does anything **ever**!" Mordecai continued to dig the hole deeper.

"STOP TALKING!" Trigby stood panting in anger "This was your fault and you know it!" Rigby yelled before throwing a barrage of punches into Mordecai's side.

Mordecai rolled his eyes, placed a hand over Rigby's face, and pushed away his assailant. Still, he knew he'd screwed up. "Look bro, I'm sorry. I should've been there with ya."

The meager assault slowed and Rigby glanced up with a pathetic face. "You mean it?"

"Yeah bro, I mean it." Rigby beamed with satisfaction and triumph.

"I'll never eat Cheezers again."

"Yeah, that'll last for a week."

"SHUT UP!" Rigby shrieked and started to dig through his dresser drawer. "Hey where's the thing?"

"Heh heh, I've been **really** stressed lately?"

"Aw what? Dude! I threw in for that too! What about cake-shake-bro-bake?" He whined. "That was from MY guy! It took me forever to find my guy. And you took it all!" Disloyalty in the face of manual labor was one thing, but to raid a dude's stash, now that was a crime.

"You 'Found' him selling behind the utility shed," Mordecai snapped, "He's not your 'Guy'. He just didn't want to get busted."

"Is too! A 'Guy' is a 'Guy'!" Rigby squealed. "Like I'm gonna listen to the only guy in this room who doesn't have a guy."

"Well there must be someone else in the room cause I have a guy too." Mordecai smirked.

"Who? Benson's mom?" Rigby shot back sarcastically.

"No way man, my guy's cool." Mordecai pushed himself from the bed, then squatted down next to his bro, "He's short and smells like he rolled in trash, but he's the coolest dude I know." He smiled down "He's a good guy."

Rigby was back to his old self as soon as he caught on. "Hmm. Hmm. Well then I guess he can't be too bad. Even if he hangs out with you."

"Hey" Mordecai called as he tossed a clear baggie to his friend. Rigby's eyes lit up when he found a large nugget of icy green goodness inside. "I'm not that much of a loser, dude."

"Ugh! I think I ate a bad sandwich" Rigby beamed with a grin and grabbed his stomach, "I think I'm gonna be sick in two days!"

"Oooooh me too!" Mordecai rolled back onto his bed in false pain "I think I'm going to barf right around noon on Friday."

"We'll probly have to take a half day." Rigby whined.

"I think we'll need some medication!" Mordecai added, and they both giggled like schoolgirls. Mordecai smiled to himself - that raccoon may be obnoxious, but he's one of the good ones.

"Hey, lets grab a french dip, I'm buying." He jabbed the raccoon's shoulder with no force at all.

"Yeah, alright. Let's go see Margaret" Rigby rolled his eyes, but he was happy to spend time with his bro. Even if it meant watching him flail about in awkwardness.

"Dude, that's not why… but now that you bring it up, I did have an idea."

"Here we go. Kidnap her?"

"No not_ kidnap her_" Mordecai spit out "Just hear me out: Corn maze."

"Corn maze?

"Corn maze."

"Bro" The raccoon sighed, "This is just painful to watch."

"She grew up in the country! and it's not _just_ a corn maze, it's a whole corn festival! " He shoved a brochure in his friend's face. "There are rides and games and funnel cakes and it's the biggest corn maze in the world. We could all go, it'd be fun, and then Margaret and I could go through the corn maze. The brochure says one wrong turn and you could wander alone for** hours**."

"Right... So you get Margaret lost in some field and maybe she'll take you for a roll in the hay." Rigby snickered

"Rigby." Mordecai scolded "I'm just saying that it wouldn't be as weird if we all went. It'd be like a goofy hillbilly night. And then I'll win her a goldfish. And **then** I can pretend to care about it so I have an excuse to visit her."

His friend stared with contempt.

"Dude. Come on dude. You know you want to, dude." Mordecai pleaded, but the contemptuous stare didn't cease. "I'll win you a goldfish too," He grinned.

Rigby sighed in defeat - if his friend insisted on another heartbreak, all he could do was help pick up the pieces. "Alright dude, I'm down. Let's go to the corn maze, I guess" He replied with the slightest twinge of jealousy in his voice.

"Haha, yeah! You're the best, Rigby! Friday night, it'll be awesome."

"Yeah, well, there'd better be funnel cakes." Rigby smirked.

"Best in the West! Well that's what the brochure says. But seriously bro, you smell like you've been rolling in trash. You should probably take a bath."

Rigby lifted his arm and sniffed. "Nah man, fresh as roses."

"Dude."

"Ugh, whatever." He scowled and grabbed a dirty towel from the floor on his way out the room.

"You think he'll let us borrow the truck?"

"Dude, it's Benson, he wouldn't let us borrow a bike"

"Yeah, well, maybe if you were less **Rigby**, he would be nicer."

"Oh please, Benson's just got a permanent case of blue balls." The two animals snickered as they descended the stairs. Mordecai jumped down the last several steps and landed with ease. Rigby tried the same but tumbled and landed flat on his face; Mordecai laughed even louder. Their boss was sitting on the couch watching the evening news.

"Hey hey! Benson! How's it going?" Mordecai called out as he entered the room.

"No."

"Wait whoa, we're just saying hey."

"You never just talk to me. You want something."

"Dude, that's not true, we talk to you all the time! And that's completely unrelated to the fact that we did want to ask you-"

"No."

"Aw Benson! You didn't even let me fin-"

"-You're not borrowing the truck. I have to use it on Friday." The two slackers grimaced, had he heard them coming down the stairs?

"But **Beeensooonn!** We **reeeeally **need to borrow it! Can't we work something out?" Mordecai moaned.

"Yeah, come on **Benson**, where do **you** have to be Friday night?" Rigby chimed in and got punched in the shoulder. "Ooowww, why?"

"Don't worry where I have to be. I'm sure you'll think it's stupid anyways."

"No way Benson, you're like the least stupid person I know!" Mordecai lied.

"Yeah, the least stupid!" Rigby added.

Benson sighed, "Every year I enter my famous cornbread recipe in a spring festival upstate."

"Whooooooa! You're going to the corn thing?"

"Yeah. I have hobbies. So what?"

"That's where we wanted to go too! Can we grab a ride? We have some friends that wanted to go too..."

"You guys are cornbread enthusiasts too?!" Benson asked with glee "Haha, I can't believe this! How long have you been show-breading? This is amazing, I honestly never thought we would ever have anything in common. Are you into adjuncts or fine mill?"

"The first one!" Rigby spouted.

"Great! You'll have to try my blue-ribbon gumbo dippers. The secret is to undercook them ever so slightly, the moister consistency prevents crumbling. But don't you go stealing my recipes, I'm out to win."

"Haha, yeah Benson" Mordecai laughed nervously. This guy really had no life. "We'd never steal your secrets, a man's cornbread is his honor. Or something."

"Oh now what is all this enthusiasm I hear?" Pops chirped from the doorway.

"The guys and I are going to the corn festival upstate on Friday, we're entering our recipes in the cornbread competition." **The guys** - Benson had never used this term to describe these two slackers before and it certainly felt awkward to say.

"-and there's a corn maze!" Rigby shouted over his boss.

"Oh my, a maze of maize?" The strange gentleman giggled "How delightful indeed! I too would like to join your posse, if I may!"

"Sure Pops, the more the merrier-" Mordecai replied and Pops squealed again in delight.

"-Now wait, how many people did you say you were bringing, Mordecai?" Benson interjected. "We may not have enough room in the truck for everyone."

Mordecai had forgotten, but Rigby quickly rebounded "That's fine, we'll sit in the bed!"

"No, no that's not legal in this state, you have to wear a seatbelt."

"No way Benson it's cool, we'll just lay down so no one knows we're back there! Half the trucks on the road have someone in the back that's laying down, you just never see 'em"

Rigby was a terrible liar, but the gumball machine was excited for their newfound connection. "Alright you two, if you don't mind sitting in the truck bed I'll give you a ride, but only because you're fellow breaders."

"Alright! Thanks Benson, you're the best, **man**." Mordecai offered an awkward high five.

"Sure, what the heck?" and Benson reciprocated as they made their way to the door.

"Oh hey guys, do you -" But the two were already outside.

"Ugh, cornbread?" Mordecai lamented.

"Dude, it's a cry for help." His companion replied as they walked towards the city.

The coffee shop was mostly empty by the time the guys arrived. A human couple pushed the boundaries of PDA in a dark corner of the cafe while four or five patrons sat at the bar. Limbs from overgrown bushes tapped on the windows in the evening breeze, an eerie metronome from the blackness outside. On an old CRT television the local weatherman pointed to lines of red and pink radar in the next county over. Heavy winds and damaging hail were likely, and a tornado or two could not be ruled out. A white cockatoo leaned over to the human on his right and mentioned that he'd hoped the city wouldn't lose power tonight. The human flashed an electric company patch on his jacket and assured that there'd be no outages on his watch. The cockatoo gave a nervous laugh and leaned to his left to talk to another customer, but the only response he received was a prompt "Fuck off."

"Coffee, black, no cream no sugar. I'll have that right out for you, sir." The robin politely confirmed to a customer as the two groundskeepers stepped into the coffee shop. She perked up, her friends were a welcome sight after a long shift "Hey guys! Take a seat anywhere, I'll be right there, okay?"

"**Heeeey**, Margaret!" Mordecai called out, but she was gone.

"I thought you said she was off at 9?" Rigby asked.

"I thought she **was**, she's always off by 9"

"Isn't it kind of stalking that you know her work schedule?"

"No it's not **'stalking'**!" Mordecai erupted "I'm just perceptive, that's all."

"Hmm. Hmm. Not perceptive enough to see her always ignore-" Another punch in the shoulder. "Gah! You're the worst kind of person."

"Hmm. Hmm. Well at least **I'm** gonna have a lady after Friday night."

"Only if you glue a wig to your hand, cause **corn maze** has to be your lamest idea yet"

"You're just pissed that I'm gonna be spending all my time scoring with Margaret after my super cool idea."

"Hey, you know what'd be funny? If I invited her before you."

"You wouldn't dare." Mordecai's face became serious.

"Oh wouldn't I? **Hey Margar-!**" was all the raccoon could say before his friend tackled him. "-No! Stop it! Get off me!" He cried, but Mordecai had him pinned to the floor "Let me go! It's not** fair**!"

"No! Not until you stop it! You're always **ruining** my chances with Margaret!"

"You don't need my help for that!" Rigby squirmed free, but the blue bird grabbed him by the muzzle. "Yoo albays rooin yerown kances"

"YAH! You **bit** me!" Mordecai recoiled.

"Hi guys!" A female voice greeted from behind "Uh, what are you doing?"

"Oh **HEY **Margaret!" Mordecai quickly released his furry victim "I was just, uh, showing Rigby the park's new leash policy. All **problematic** pets need to be **muzzled**." He said with a death stare at Rigby, who crossed his arms in defiance.

"Yeah, because **lame **ownerstake their **awesome** pets to **lame places**" Rigby snarled back. "Like the park."

"Well maybe the **stupid** pets need to realize that their owners have lives too."

"And maybe the **totally not stupid** pets just want to spend some time with their **bro**!" He continued his temper tantrum.

"Are you guys feeling okay?" Margaret chuckled. Red feathers billowed out from under her new fitted uniform. The manager of this fine establishment had received several compliments about the attractive young robin and decided to change the staff dress code to ensure that her… qualities were put to good use. Margaret hated the new uniforms. She looked exhausted but Mordecai couldn't help but stare with mouth agape. Her feminine curves, those brilliant red feathers, those long, delicate legs - he was in a trance.

"Mordecaaaaii" He snapped back to reality when a red wing waved in his face. "Oh good, you're back" She giggled.

"Hahaaaa, sorry, I was thinking about… something else" Mordecai made it more awkward. "So... how's the shift going?"

"Ugh I just want it to **end**, I'm already an hour over" Margaret whined as she bent over the stool to wipe down their table. Her tail feathers wagged in the air; skimpy khaki shorts nearly bumped against his waist. Mordecai decided that she had to be doing this all on purpose, just to mess with him in some cruel scheme. But maybe that meant that she was flirting! He grinned at the thought. And if you asked Margaret, **maybe** she was - Mordecai was easy to mess with, after all, and his awkwardness was a constant source of entertainment for the girl. His death stare returned when Rigby spanked the air behind her with chauvinist glee.

"All clean! So, what can I get you guys?"

"French dip, triple dipped!" Rigby squealed. "No onions."

"Something with, uh… protein. I just got out of the gym" Mordecai puffed out his chest with the lie.

Rigby howled with laughter and walked to the bathroom, but Margaret ignored him, "So you've been hitting the gym, huh?"

"Yeah! Ya know, just pumping that iron" Another lie.

"Ugh, don't say that, you're making me feel fat. I haven't been to the gym in a week." Margaret felt he was fibbing, but for what it was worth she didn't think he needed to. His species had natural muscle tone and frankly he looked pretty okay. She kinda felt bad for him when his gaze moved to the floor and decided to change the subject. "Four french dips, coffee's on the house."

"Four?"

"Yeah, I'm off in fifteen, I figured Jerome and I could join you two?"

"Jerome? Is he your brother? or cousin? or **platonic **coworker?" His heart sank

"Oh, I'm sorry! I don't think I've introduced you two yet. Jerome's my new boyfriend, we met at my college interview. He's a biologist."

"A soil biogeochemist, to be precise." A tall, well-built man walked up from behind Margaret and wrapped a muscular arm around her waist. The man appeared to be in his late twenties, though he emanated such an innate virility and youth that he could have been any age and looked no worse for the wear. Gray eyes, a firm jawline, and trimmed blond hair completed the package. "And a well published one at that. Jerome Belweather" The human extended a hand in greeting "Perhaps you've read my groundbreaking analysis on regional mycorrhizal community degradation in monocultural soy crops? It's had over two thousand citations in sixteen months."

This was just horrible, Mordecai thought, this just couldn't get worse. Jerome was smart. Jerome was successful. Jerome was attractive. His handshake was firm and he would wager that the sports car parked out front belong to none other. This human was absolutely the perfect boyfriend; Mordecai was sure they'd be married by month's end. "Sorry dude, I went to art school… there wasn't much biology."

"Biogeochemistry." Jerome corrected again "Art school? Well I guess the world needs all sorts of people. Scientists, **laborers**-"

"-Jerome! Be nice to Mordecai, he's a sweetheart." His girlfriend gave him a shove and started for the kitchen. "I have to get these orders in. You two play nice." _A _**_sweetheart?_**Did she really just say that? His heart fluttered at the compliment.

The next several minutes were plenty awkward. Mordecai tried to be cordial with small talk, but Jerome mostly texted on his phone in lieu of real conversation with the bird. At one point he did seem to grab the human's attention for a few moments, but it ended with an off-handed remark from Jerome regarding Mordecai's attire. Or lack thereof. "**Indigenous**" and **"quaint"** seemed to be the human's two favorite words.

At some point during the discussion, Rigby trotted back wearing a bright orange, badly torn Hawaiian lei. His satisfied smirk turned to a small frown when he saw Jerome - Margaret must have yet another boyfriend.

"Rigby! I threw that away for a reason. It's disgusting. " Margaret chortled upon her return - six years and he hasn't changed a bit.

"Finders keepers, losers weepers" Rigby jumped up next to his blue friend.

Margaret sat the tray of food down on the table and took a seat, wrapping her wing around Jerome and pulling him close. She smiled sadly, Mordecai seemed glum since she introduced the two. Now that she thought about it, he never really seemed to get along with any of her boyfriends.

"Dig in everyone, the coffee may be a bit cold but you can't beat free."

"What is **this**?" Jerome voice dripped contempt.

"French dip. See, you dip it in-" Margaret started quickly, but was cut off.

"I **know** what it is, Margie. And you **know** we don't eat red meat." Her boyfriend snapped at her. "You **know **how much red meat contributes to global greenhouse emissions. You **know** that the beef industry is one big ecological disaster backed by corporate oligopolies and big oil. You **know **that other countries starve to feed our nation's growing beef lust."

Margaret sank in her seat at the barrage of accusations. "I'm sorry, I just thought this once wouldn't-"

"Well maybe if you'd **just thought** a bit more, we wouldn't be eating a heaping plate of global turmoil." Jerome spat as he waved a sandwich in her face.

"Hey bro, it's just a sandwich." Mordecai butted in when the human's tone turned sour.

"Mordecai, enough." Margaret shot back. "Jerome's right, we should have had salads, it's better for everyone. Especially since **you've** been '**hitting the gym'**." Air quotes drove her message home.

"Hey, what?I'm just trying to help - he shouldn't be talking to you like that" Mordecai went on the defensive. Could she seriously take Jerome's side after he just talked to her like that? Is this how he treats her all the time?

"Well I don't need your help. I can take care of myself." But Margaret winced from the harsh treatment. She knew that would break the blue jay's heart when he really was only trying to help. She'd have to be nice to him later, he didn't deserve to be caught up in her fight with Jerome.

"I don't she wots dabbing problem is" Rigby chimed in through his sandwich "Is just beet."

Margaret giggled "Didn't your mom ever tell you to never talk with your mouth full?"

Rigby made a loud gulp. "Nope. Hey, I think **Mordecai** has something to ask you."

"What? No, haha, don't listen to him, he's just being Rigby." By now Mordecai felt embarrassed for even thinking of the corn maze thing. And with Margaret's boyfriend sitting right across from him? It's best to forget the whole thing.

"No way dude, **remember**?" Rigby pressed on.

"What is it, Mordecai? Let me in on the big secret." Margaret did all she could to sound enthusiastic after throwing him under the bus earlier.

"It's really stupid, it was actually just a joke…"

"Oh come on, it's been a long day, let's hear it."

"Well, our boss is dragging us to this lame corn festival thing upstate this Friday night and, I dunno, I thought maybe you'd want to go with us? I mean, it's really stupid, just a bunch of corn themed rides and a maze and some crazy hillbillies but heh… yeah it's really pretty stupid, forget I mentioned it." The bird choked and stared down at his sandwich. He wasn't hungry anymore, but at least the night couldn't get worse.

"We appreciate the invitation, but Margie will be attending my seminar on Friday" He glared at Mordecai "It's Physical Limitations in the Horizontal Gene Transfer of _JAK3_ in Soil Microbial Communities and Its Implication for Metabolic Adaptions Following A Large Disturbance Event In a Temperate, New Growth Prairie. It's a really big deal, though I wouldn't expect you'd understand."

"I'll go." Margaret said with conviction "After Jerome's presentation."

"Margie, we have **plans** afterwards." The way Jerome said the word made Mordecai ill.

"We'll have plenty of time for** that**." She assured, "You said we could do something fun this weekend, and this is what I want to do." She actually had a whole Saturday planned with shopping, a movie, maybe a bottle of wine and gratuitous fornication. But she hated to see her friend like this and Jerome could benefit from a conversation with other guys that didn't involve pH profiles.

"Really? You want to go some **hick**fest instead of the city?" Jerome hated the whole idea until Margaret ran a feathered finger down his chest with a seductive grin.

"Well I figured if I played my cards right, maybe we could do both."

Jerome smiled dominance as he pulled Margaret close "We'll see you at seven, **bro.**"

The card reader chirped with a flashing red light. "Fuhgin' peesh ah sheeut" Jerome cursed through the clipboard he held in his teeth. He'd put in a maintenance request two months ago, but getting those buffoons to do anything right was like pulling teeth. The human leaned forward and tried to balance the largest tray on the doorknob, but the moment that his security card finally unlocked the door, the whole tray fell to the ground. He really wanted to go home after the coffee shop, or better, to Margaret's apartment, but his dissertation defense was in a month and it'd be good to let some samples analyze over night.

"Great! Just great! Two months down the drain!" He yelled in frustration, but he knew he was just being dramatic - the Pyrex bottles were scattered but unscathed. Still, an outburst every now and then was cathartic and there was no one around to hear.

Jerome quickly picked up the bottles and placed them back in order on the tray. Proper labeling of samples can really pay off and he was smugly thankful that he'd yelled that lesson into his undergrad assistant. He flipped on the light in the chemical analysis lab and placed the trays on the table. No one else would be in the research wing so late, and OSHA be damned he needed this data processed.

Lights flickered briefly. Weather must be causing hell with the substation outside of town, the human thought. Jerome briefly checked the backup power for the fume hoods in case the building lost power.

He looked up at the ceiling, "Just another hour, just hold out for another hour."

The local crazed, late night AM host "Radio Pirate Rick" was bellowing a rant over the small lab radio. His phone vibrated on the nearby bench.

_Margaret:_ _Hey sweetie. bed's cold without u. Sorry we fot… luv u ;-)._ Jerome found the robin painfully dull, but at least it made **him** feel smarter. Women didn't need brains to cook and look pretty. And lucky for him, she did both.

_Jerome: I love you too. Be over later… wear that thing I got you. _He didn't love her, of course, but she was a good fuck and he wasn't one to waste an opportunity.

He briefly entertained the idea of resting his eyes for a few moments. But the world needed his knowledge. These damn heathens would still be chucking their shit at one another if it weren't for the discoveries by great minds. The human gently lowered the tray into its bay in the SOTS Multi-Analysis Gas Chromatograph. Error messages ran across the nearby terminal. It was a monolithic machine that took up nearly a third of the small lab with various modules, hoses, centrifuges, and tanks of compressed gas. He'd come to know the machine well over the past several years, and as always it would be a fight to get anything done. But a few smacks on the screen and several expletives later, rhythmic clicks confirmed its proper operation. Jerome leaned the stool back on two legs while he waited. Maybe a bit of a rest wasn't a bad idea.

_The radio buzzed. "They come here and they take our handouts, they take our education, and they take our jobs! We have to rise up, ladies and gentle_**_men_**_. We have to take back our country. I mean boycotts, I mean divestments, I'm mean sanctions."_

_"Amen to that" Jerome whispered to no one. Just last week he'd lost a job offer to an under-qualified aardvark from the next city over. Now he wasn't some meathead bigot - non-humans could certainly be decent technicians, menial laborers, or wait staff - but a lab coordinator? Some positions are best left to _**_people_**_. _

_"I just took my family to the park for a normal, everyday _**_American_**_ family picnic, and do you know what I saw? Do. You. Know. What. I. Saw? 'll tell you what I saw: I saw trash, I saw rotting food in trees, I saw a fountains slathered in condiments. But here's the rub, here's my point folks, what I did not see is my point. I did not see one human employee, not _**_one_**_. Oh there were _**_raccoons_**_ digging through trash and of course the _**_candy machines_**_ are running the show, but there was not a single human being on the entire staff-. " Pirate Paul had worked himself into another frenzy as the signal began to fade to a light static. The storm must be overhead by now._

_The human wondered whether Margaret's friends had anything to do with the electronic ramblings. Mordecai's interest in Margaret was obvious, but that didn't bother Jerome all that much. She would never go for a park janitor over a scientist - he published in Nature for God's sake. But maybe that would be for the best, it's not like Jerome would ever "marry down". They'll stay together for now, but whenever it's finally time to settle down and start a real family, she'll have to go. Even then… it's not like he wished any bad upon the girl, and at least Mordecai seemed adequate for her needs. _

_"Click-click-click-click-click-click-click " The machine whirred and whined to a halt. Damn thing must need recalibrated, Jerome hypothesized. The pneumatic arm for the analyzer had a large needle for removing gases from sample bottles, and on occasion it would slip out of alignment. He paused the machine and pulled back a clear plastic guard on the back. The whole assembly appeared to be aligned, but he knew this sound and pulled out the actuator arm and motor. Tilting the module, he looked underneath for the alignment tabs. No, they were right where they belonged._

_"Crsssssssssh" the radio was a screeching static._

_Maybe the needle needed replaced, Jerome thought. He tilted the module further on its side and tried to move his head to get a better view. Nope, even the needle was-_

_"Whiiiiiiiiirrrrrrr" _

_The mechanical arm drove its razor-sharp needle through his hand, grazing within a millimeter of his eye before he threw it to the ground. Jerome spewed blood and expletives as he dug around the drawers for a rag to stop the flow. _

"Ding!" burped the lab computer and the human inhaled sharply as he awoke from his nightmare. He grabbed at his wrist, but there was no wound to be found. The stress from the final crunch of his dissertation must be getting to him. Six years of fighting with these damn machines, six years of pounding and kicking these ancient pieces of shit to get anything done was finally rearing its ugly head. Jerome squinted from the computer monitor.

ERROR 9011 COMMUNICATION LOST.

CHECK CONNECTION? Y/N

This was a new one, but at least it didn't leave him many options. Those slack-jawed janitors must have been poking around the machines again. They should know better than to mess with anything worth more than their retirement.

_Y

CONNECTION ESTABLISHED

ERROR 140 SAMPLE PURGE REQUESTED

PURGE SAMPLE? Y/N

Great, their asinine curiosity would ruin a data point.

_Y

SAMPLE PURGE BEGIN

The monolithic machine clanked and shimmied with an otherworldly moan. Something was seriously wrong.

_STATUS

STATUS: PURGE SAMPLE CYCLE 15%

_END PURGE SAMPLE CYCLE

ERROR 002: CMD: END PURGE SAMPLE CYCLE UNRECOGNIZED

More clanking - the machine was ripping itself apart. Jerome frantically typed at the keyboard.

_HELP [END PURGE SAMPLE CYCLE]

NO ONE CAN HELP YOU JEROME

NO ONE CAN HELP YOU JEROME

NO ONE CAN HELP YOU JEROME

NO ONE CAN HELP YOU JEROME

NO ONE CAN HELP YOU JEROME

NO ONE CAN HELP YOU JEROME

The human bolted up from his stool. What the hell was this? Lights flickered as he dashed for a large, red button labeled "Emergency OFF." He smacked the button once, but the room continued to shake violently. It took several more attempts before the lab fell silent. The human panted heavily, but as he laughed to himself a shadow engulfed him. Turning slowly, he found a hulking mass of machinery with spinning blades, piercing needles, and electrified cords bearing down on him. Jerome backed towards the door.

"Heh, okay buddy. Look I know I've never been all that nice to you" He stumbled and scrambled back "But we've had some good times together? I'm going to go get you those new waste tubes you've been needing right now. You just wait right here."

Jerome jammed keycard in the door, but a red light flashed in reply. "Oh not now, don't do this now!" he pleaded. Three additional swipes were unsuccessful. "JUST OPEN JUST OPEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" He shook the door violently it wouldn't budge. The deadly machine stood above him, blades and needles ready to tear him to pieces. The human rolled and dashed to the side, tripping over a spare metal pipe. Jerome armed himself with the pipe and rose to meet the SOTS Multi-Analysis Gas Chromatograph on his feet. As the spinning blades whirred closer, his spine stiffened in terror. After years of struggling with the damn machine, somehow he always knew that it would come to this.

**So yeah, another slower chapter, sorry about that, but the next one should start picking things up. Skips and Benson will be joining us, things may start to make sense, refreshments will be served, it'll be a good time. Also, hey, cover art stuff. There are five total, and mayhaps they will serve a purpose later…**

**i1319 . photobucket albums/t665/woodwatch/daydreams_1_ zps6ff08df4. jpg**

**Oh, and feedback is really, really appreciated!**


	3. Ch 3: Now with 50 Percent More Pronouns!

"Damn it, damn it, not today!" Mordecai panicked at his reflection in the mirror.

Rigby bounced on his trampoline, shooting a laser pointer in the air. "Psheww! Psheww! Another bogey down!" _Bounce_ "Space Commander Rigson "_ Bounce_ "You've saved our planet with your-" _Bounce "_Super Awesome pilot skills!" _Bounce _"Wait! Look out! Incoming!" _Bounce_ "Pshew Pshew Pshew Pshew! Ahhh!" _Bounce_ "Oh Rigson, you're so hot and saved us all again!" _Bounce._

"Dude! Would you shut up for two seconds!" Mordecai shouted through grit teeth.

Rigby bounced to the floor "What's up bro?"

"What's up? **_What's up?_** Dude **_look_** at me!" Mordecai turned in horror with a fistful of feathers; several more were strewn about his feet and over the dresser. "This can't be happening. It's, like, barely July."

"It's the middle of August, bro."

"It's never happened this early, **_Rigby_**. Ugh, what am I gonna do?" Mordecai's beak was pressed against the mirror as he leaned in to inspect a bare patch of bleach-white skin above his eye. "I'll look like complete tool in front of Margaret."

"And her perfect boyfriend." Rigby raised a finger in correction

"Shut up, you're not helping."

"Dude, you're overreacting bro. You can't even tell. And anyways, it's Margaret. I'm sure she's all ugly too."

"Robins molt in April! Why do you think her feathers are so bright all summer?"

"**Are** her feathers so bright all summer?" He rolled his eyes "Cause they look the same to me."

"**Yes** dude, they are. She's beautiful and I look **_diseased_**." Mordecai continued to poke and pick at himself. "This is the worst thing to ever happen to anyone." He added in melodrama.

Rigby sighed and went back to bouncing on his trampoline. It's not like this hasn't happened every summer for the last twenty-three years. _Bounce._ He twisted in the air. _Bounce._ _And twisted again, back towards his friend. Was something off about Mordecai's reflection in the mirror. Bounce. He dismissed the thought and jumped again, facing the back wall. Dark stains of mildew clouded the plaster in one spot from Mordecai's recent water balloon ambush. Benson would flip if he saw that. Bounce. He turned towards the window - _ _was it getting darker outside?. Bounce. Mordecai came back into view; he was tearing off his face, strips of blood-drench gore rolled down his arms._

THUD!

Rigby's body smacked off the steel support for the trampoline, falling gracelessly to the ground. He scrambled to his feet and ran to his friend. "Mordecai NO! STOP! " He pulled viciously on his friend, toppling both to the ground. "STOP, Dude!" But Rigby wasn't done; he grabbed Mordecai's beak and pushed it down, muffling an angry curse. He pawed over beak and feathers, but everything was in place - no blood, two eyes, and a furious scowl.

"Woah! **Woah.**" Rigby jumped off his friend, his fearful expression turning to utter confusion. " Mordecai, sorry dude, I -"

"Dude! What the **F** is your problem!" Mordecai struck a furious punch, but the instant his fist made contact he knew it was too much. "Rigby! What the hell was that?" No response. "**_Dude_**, don't be a **_baby_**" His heart dropped when Rigby didn't get up. "Rigby?" He rushed a wing to his friend's shoulder "Hey. Dude, I didn't mean it, snap out of it dude."

"You were hurting yourself." Rigby looked up through wet eyes "I saw you from the trampoline, you were ripping your face off." Mordecai saw the lingering remnants of terror and confusion in his buddy's eyes.

"Dude… what?" Mordecai smirked in confusion "Bro, I was just moving a few feathers over. I'm not **that** hideous am I?"

Rigby sat up trembling and rubbed his head. What was going on lately? "Something's wrong with me."

"Yeah bro, I think there is." Mordecai looked down with concern.

Dread enveloped Rigby's face "Really?"

"Totally dude. You're loud, you're annoying, and just **_look_** at you."

Rigby looked down over himself "What's wrong with how I look?" He whined.

"Nothing. You're just awkward to look at." His friend smiled.

"Hey!" He protested before scooting over to hug his friend

"Dude" Mordecai laughed "Come on dude, don't be a girl." But brown fingers sifted through his down, pulling him closer. It was weird, but Mordecai didn't push away - if it was anyone else, he may actually think it was nice. Whatever had Rigby so upset was still a mystery. What did he say…**_tearing his face off?_**

"I'm just glad you're okay bro."

"Duuuude, you know you just got a head rush, right? When you jump on the trampoline, all the blood rushes to your head and you see weird things. Don't do that so much. You'll give yourself a brain tumor or something."

"Heh, okay mom." Rigby picked himself up while pushing his friend back to the floor "Ugh **sick** dude, get off me!" He accused. Of course that's what it was: he jumped so high that he got a head rush. Wait, but could he really get a brain tumor from that? Another wave of concern washed over his body - he'd been jumping on that trampoline for months.

"Yeah, well, try not to be so**_Rigby_** tonight." Mordecai grumbled, grabbing a smaller mirror from his drawer.

"Sure dude, I'll just be more like you. Uh… hey Margaret… uh I'm just gonna uh… stand here err… mumbling like um… like an idiot" The short one mocked lightheartedly as he dug through a pile of dirty clothes. When he turned back, Mordecai was sitting over a pile of feathers with a bottle of Krazy Uncle Sam's Schizo-Affective Glue

"Oh dude… are you serious right now?"

"Shut up, it worked back in high school." Mordecai muttered as he picked a feather from the pile.

-S-

A dim ember burned, wisps of lavender smoke floating above. There wasn't a sound to be heard in that room but the slow breath beneath white hair. Skips was locked in meditation, watching that wispy tail dance in the air, searching for a sign of the times - an inkling of what was to come. It'd been years since his rune stones glowed on their own, something that only happens in the presence of great supernatural forces.

But there was nothing, not a single clue for hours. Gary and his gang better not be playing tricks on him again, as they were wont to do from time to time. Still, this wasn't their style, nothing like the poltergeists, fire beasts, or brain-sucking ancient ones they'd usually employ. Employ… Benson wasn't too happy with Skips taking the day off, he hoped it wouldn't be for nothing. Maybe he was getting tired again? Maybe Skips needed a change, new places and new faces. The smoke twisted with his thoughts into a familiar scene. Muscle Man and Fives ran donuts with the cart, throwing mud all over Mordecai and Rigby lounging on lawn chairs. Benson wagged his fist in the air, yelling for them to come back and lay new sod. Pops followed a butterfly with a dainty net, giggling gleefully from the thrill of the chase. It was a normal, happy summer day; Skips banished the thought of leaving, this was where he belonged.

He exhaled. The smoke blew away.

There wasn't any point denying it, though. He was getting tired; tired of the same old thing, tired of same job and the same house and the same crisis day after day. The Caribbean sounded nice these days - not as exciting as back when pirates ruled the seas, but fishing vessels could always use a mystical handyman.

_The smoke shifted again, swirling into a familiar face. Pier was a young lad, only fourteen when Skips made his acquaintance. But he was spry and sharp, an illegitimate son of Sir Francis Drake, infamous English privateer. A love for adventure and high seas coursed through the fellow's veins; he was a funny one too, always pranking the crew, even senior officers when the moment was right._

_"Walks! Walks! School a'tuna be near! Lower me down to the brine, yeh?"_

_"Haha, and how do you plan to catch those fish when yer down there, lad?" Skips asked, scrubbing the deck of blood. There hadn't been a battle in months, just Monty's infected tooth that needed pulled. He was a bleeder. _

_Piers proudly presented a makeshift bow, scraps of rope tied into a line that anchored an arrow to its knock. "I seen'em speared before, when we was in the Indies. Traded a old man that coppa necklace, 'member? No more rat, Walks, we're eatin' fish tonight!"_

_Skips laughed. Sure, why not? There wasn't a snowball's chance in Hell that the kid would succeed with that rickety old thing, but it's better than cleaning decks. "Haha, alright, go get some rope and I'll hoist you down."_

_"Yeah! Whooo!" Piers ran below deck._

_"But don't go taking the cannon stops!" Skips called down. "We'll blow a hole in the wall if'in we gotta use it!"_

_Piers came back moments later, rope already wound in a harness around his legs. "Alright Walks, you just lower me down till I yell stop, right? I gotta be real close or I can't gettum."_

_"Haha, okay okay Piers, I'll get you close as I can," Skips assured "But you stay in that harness, you hear me? What'll the captain say if I tell'im his nephew got swallowed by the deep?"_

_"Yeah yeah yeah, I've done this before Walks." Piers yelled up as Skips lowered him over the side. _

_"You've jumped out of your harness before too. We searched for days last time, boy!" Skips yelled down_

_"But see, I don't need to do that this time, 'cause I got me bow." Piers held the rotten wood proudly. "I-ber-own-ther-ope" His voice was drowned out by crashing waves._

_"What?!" Skips yelled down._

_"Lower! Go Lower!" Piers yelled as he dangled above the surf. He was right, Skips saw, the tuna really were schooling nearby, and shallow too. He let out more rope, the kid may just get lucky this time._

_"C'mon man! Lower!" Piers shouted, just feet above the blue water._

_"That's far enough!" Skips yelled down "Any lower and yer fish food!"_

_"I gots a whole TEN feet!" _

_Skips edged further over the gunwales. From what he could see, maybe the lad did have some room to go. "A few more! That's IT!" And he let out another few arm lengths of rope. _

_"That's good! That's great! Right there, Walks ol'buddy! Hold'er right there!" Piers yelled, pulling his bow taught. Waves lapped at his feet and his body skimmed through the water. _

_"I'm pulling you up!" Skips yelled "Yer too low!"_

_"No! I'm fine! The water's nice! I've a great shot from 'ere!"_

_Skips started to get nervous, this kid was gonna get himself hurt. "One minute! Y'hear?! One minute and yer up!"_

_"All I need!" Every time he steadied his bow, Piers was hit by another wave. Kid best be havin' fun, Skips thought. Another wave, another falter. But this time the kid had his bow ready right after. "Get'em lad!" Skips yelled. He aimed, arm crooked back. Real fish _**_would_**_ be nice._

_Taught! The line drew taught, nearly pulling Skips over the deck. Piers yelled something inaudible over the waves and Skips decided this escapade was finished. He pulled arm over arm, lifting the boy from the surf, but he couldn't see what was happening below. Another hard pull brought Skips back to the gunwales - damn seas were gettin' rough. Skips hoped his friend wouldn't be knocked silly when he came over the railings, kid didn't have many concussion left in 'im. "You okay?!" Skips yelled down. No reply. Well, at least Piers was still in the harness, Skips thought. _

_"Hey Walks, what you doin'?" A peg-legged deckhand named Willy asked from behind._

_"Willy! Gimme a'hand! Piers was trying' to shoot'im a tuna. Gotta get him back up!" _

_Willy hopped to the gunwales, looking down. His eyes shot back to Skips. "What you do? What you do?!" _

_Of course he's drunk. Man's always drunk, Skips thought. "Get outta here, Willy, yer useless!" _

_"What you do?! What you do?! What you do Walks?!"_

_"I said get outta here ya old drunk!" Skips yelled back. An unconscious Piers pulled up to the railings, head slunk back over his shoulders. Dammit, knocked out again. Skips reached over the side to grab his legs, but nothing was there. His heart jumped and he flung Piers over the side. Halfway down his midriff the boy stopped, intestines and flaps of skin hanging off his ribs. _

_Skips fell back and kept backing up. He'd seen this before, sharks got 'im from the surf. No, this couldn't be happening, not to Piers, not to the adventurous young lad. He'd never done no harm to no one, always ducked under deck with Skips whenever a fight or a battle broke out. Damn kid got eaten, damn Walks went fishin' with the Captain's nephew. Men rushed around Skips, yelling for the captain, yelling to restrain the Yeti, yelling for God and for help and for a gun._

Skips exhaled slowly. Of all eternity, he hated that day the most. But the trance he just experienced, it wasn't normal reflection. His rune stones glowed brighter; something was happening indeed. He closed his eyes for a moment in respect of Piers, the one man he'd ever killed who stayed dead, then walked outside. A swirling mass of blackness churned above the park, eerily silent for its terrifying force. Chilling wind rushed through his hair, and he knew the day was about to get much worse.

"This isn't good."

-MR-

"Hey Mordecai, I guess you could say this is a pretty **sticky** situation." Rigby elbowed his friend as glass doors parted. Massive "WALLCO" letters buzzed brightly above; promotional search lights bobbed and circled against a tapestry of low-hanging clouds. "See, cause you glued your hand to your face."

"HA HA HA HA." Mordecai bellowed false laughter, ending with a twisted glare of pure contempt. Between the panic of dying alone and the embarrassment of his current state, he hadn't said much for the past hour.

"Oh calm down. The bottle says all we need is… 'Sober Aunt Millie's Thorazine Mist," Rigby read aloud, cupping the bottle in both paws.

An elderly employee greeted the two as they walked inside. His voice was monotonous, almost lifeless were it not for the slightest tinge of despair. The wood-stocked rifle slung lazily over his back assured that the megastore would not be repeating the follies of its recently-acquired predecessor; the smile stitched in his vest told guests that customer satisfaction was his goal.

Customers bumped and shoved one another as they rushed from the doors to their respective aisles. Gas-powered scooters were provided to patrons destined for the gardening, automotive, and marital aids wing - for $9.99 plus $1.45 a mile. Though they were free to walk, many who chose to go by foot would never be seen again. Two large women slapped and scratched at each other over the last cart that had a three-place infant stroller, but they quickly dispersed when the old greeter raised his weapon.

It was a zoo, Mordecai thought. It was zoo and everyone's the animals. Even the employees were part of the exhibit; not zookeepers but other pathetic animals locked in with the rest. Just, ya know, higher on the food chain. Maybe they were the viewers too, here to gaze with slack jaw wonder at the sickest, most perverted nature had to offer - guzzling down Slurpies and knocking on the window at the stupid monkeys with the self-assurance that they themselves were civilized. But none of that mattered, it was dinner time and all the animals came rushing to their slop troughs for whatever sustenance they needed - food, electronics, apparel… He shook his head, maybe it was time for a detox.

"Whoooa" Rigby staggered with a drunken gate as his world spun through dilated pupils. Specks of glue dotted his snout "Duuuuuuude"

"**Rigby!**" Mordecai snatched the glue away "You don't have the brain cells to spare."

"I just saw heaven." Rigby slurred.

"Sure ya did, bro."

CRACK-ACK! Shots rang out as a river of shuffling customers parted around one of the fat mothers. From where he stood, it looked to Mordecai as if she had gone back to fight for another cart before attracting unwanted attention. She was a whale of a woman, strapped in a tight skirt proudly declaring her a "PRINCESS BITCH" in bright pink letters.

Was.

But now she's just a lump on the ground, a rock in a stream, her arm pulsing rhythmically from the final signals of dying synapses. Two employees rushed into the stream and quickly erected a Smiling Wallco booth at the scene while they waited for a floor manager to show up with the appropriate paperwork. Everyone knew there wasn't much hope for her three young children in this store - turning back against the tide was impossible, and kids so young could hardly hope to survive a trek to the exit. One of the employees snuck his discount card in the oldest boy's jacket before pushing them back into the crowd. It was the best he could do.

Mordecai corralled a captivated Rigby closer to his side. "Come on dude. Let's just get the stuff and get out."

"Yeah. Okay." Rigby didn't mind this place as much as his friend. Now if Mordecai managed a day without ranting about "Society's rampant consumerism" or "Genetically modified food" or "Corporate bullying," Rigby would probably check his temperature. But to him, it was just a big store with awesome deals. Sure, you could get yourself in trouble if you were a jackass, but everyone knew the rules. He'd never seen the store before it was a Wallco, but he heard horror stories of chaos and riots, even cannibalism, of customers sick for lust of stuff. This had to be better. And besides, where else could you get a hula hoop, condoms and a coffin all in the one place?

As they finished off the mile, the river had turned to a stream, then slowed to a trickle. Mordecai's fanny pack beeped. He could have kicked himself, he'd forgotten to charge his phone before they left. This was the sort of stupid mistake that gets folks lost. Or worse. A massive Wallco map illuminated the surround aisles just ahead. "Dude, let's go see where we are."

But Rigby wouldn't budge. He stood with the thousand-yard stare of a grizzled veteran; body locked, ready to flee from what he saw. In front of the pair was a three-story display of Wallco desk lamps just as the one that wreaked havoc on the park. Did they too house evil genies?

"So…many…**Cheezers**…."

"Just stay with me, dude. We can do this, okay? It's just an advertisement" Mordecai started forward hoping his friend would follow.

"N-no."

"It's **okay** dude." He waved a wing in front of a lamp "See? It's**_okay_**_._" Another burp of gunfire erupted from some distant corner of the store and Rigby bolted through the aisle, screaming in terror. Mordecai rolled his eyes and followed casually behind.

"You done?" The bird asked. Rigby panted an unintelligible reply. They searched over the monolithic map to find the best news of the afternoon: Their destination was just two aisles away.

"Hm. Hm." They nodded and doubled back to Aisle 19034: Cyanoacrylate adhesives, Pink Slime, and Chocolate Spreads. Another fifteen minutes passed as they scoured through the shelves.

"Boom!" Rigby championed the last bottle of salvation above his head.

"**_Sixty dollars_**?"

"Aw what? Rigby lowered the bottle "How much we got?"

"Ten bucks dude." He sighed. Might as well call Margaret now; tell her to stay home, rent a movie and have a nice romantic fuck with Jeremy. Or whatever his name was.

"Should be right around here-Oh!" Someone bumped into Mordecai. He turned to find a young blonde face flushed with red embarrassment. She was attractive, for a human anyways - couldn't be much older than a college freshman and she had a solid 9 for a body. An orange summer blouse with a cute yellow duck sat lazily over her midriff as she cocked her hip to one side. Bright eyes and a warm red lips emanated a certain vibrancy lost on the other customers to shuffle past. Her shy, lost-puppy expression melted his heart,.

Rigby backed away from her small rabbit companion in suspicion.

"Oh! Sorry!" She apologized quickly. "Having a bad day?" She chuckled with a nod towards his stuck hand.

"H-heh, yeah. Stupid molt, right?" He winced - what a stupid thing to say.

"I, uh, I wouldn't know?" The human smiled and glanced towards her waist where her hand was glued firmly in place. Her companion, a white hare in an earth green tank top, peaked out from behind her. "Soap, nail polish, gasoline… Nothing worked. Strong stuff."

"I knooow! They need a warning on the bottle."

"That's how they make their money. Two bucks glues you together, sixty gets you free. Stupid corporate oligopolies. So hey, you're a cutey." She chirped.

"Wha- Heh, well I dunno about **_that-_****"** He scratched his head

"**_Ellie._****"** The rabbit scolded

"**_What?_** He is!" She bopped him on the shoulder "Don't mind her, I just got out of a bad relationship. Not that **we're** in a relationship now. I mean, you and I. Sorry. I didn't mean that to sound weird. Not that I wouldn't be in a relationship with you if that happened! I'm not like that, my last boyfriend was an iguana! But that's not why we broke up… he was a prick."

**"**Ellie!**"**

**"**Aaaaand I'm gonna stop talking now" Ellie's face flushed beet red.

"Breathe girl.**" **Her companion chided again.

The blue jay held out his left wing with a cheesy smile, "I'm Mordecai."

"Heh. Hi Mordecai. Sorry about all that." She smiled down at the floor.

"Whaaat? Don't be sorry, I, uh, I think you're pretty cute too." Ellie looked up when she heard that, smiling even wider. The two stood for a moment, chuckling awkwardly and making small talk - crazy crowd tonight; how about that weather; what's **with** those roller-skate shoes everyone's wearing. At one point, Ellie mentioned that her family was from a few towns over, but she hadn't heard from them for a few days. Cell towers must be down, what with the summer construction.

Rigby stood in disbelief. Was this a girl? And was Mordecai actually **_making sentences?_** He sighed loud enough for everyone to hear; why did Mordecai have so much trouble with Margaret? It's not like she was as hot as this Ellie girl. He noticed the hare again. "So you got a name?" Rigby put on his best cool-guy grin and leaned back against the shelves.

"Thyme." The rabbit replied.

"Oh, uh" Rigby patted over his fur "I don't know. I didn't bring my phone."

"No. My name is Thyme." She corrected, "Like the herb?" But all she got was a blank stare.

"Yeah, Rigby wouldn't know what that is. He eats out of the trash." Mordecai scoffed.

"You're the trash!"

" just sounds**_wrong_**, dude."

"STOP TALKING!" He screamed, pointing up with the box.

"That's the stuff" Thyme pulled on Ellie's blouse, nodding towards the miffed raccoon. "Aunt Millie's?"

"Huh? Oh, uh yeah, I mean… no! Nope it's something else" From what he could see, it was the only bottle left and he had no intention of giving it up to a bunch of girls.

"It looks like Aunt Millie's to me." The rabbit looked bewildered "Where'd you get it?"

"It's not!"

"Well what is it?"

"It-it's… it's stuff for… me and my man!" Rigby wrapped a defensive arm around Mordecai's waist. "'Cause we're gay."

Ellie stepped back from Mordecai with wide eyes All the best ones were these days. "You are? I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"Yeah, well, you did. We're just two gay dudes being gay with each other." Rigby shot back. Mordecai looked stiff as a board, a deer in headlights at what was happening.

"So what's in the box then?" Thyme wasn't buying his little charade.

"Gay stuff. Really **_really_** gay stuff." Rigby held the small box close "You don't wanna know."

"**_RIGBY!_**_"_ Mordecai snapped out of his stupor and punched the little liar in his stomach. His eyes dashed back to Ellie; he shook his head "I don't know why he said that. We're not like that."

"Wait, so you're not…?" Ellie made an odd hand gesture.

He scowled at Rigby, "No. **I'm** not. And it's on the shelf behind this **_drill-bit_** " He pointed.

She laughed - these two guys were characters. In a way, they sorta reminded her of the dynamic she and Thyme shared. Two friends against the world, living in the moment and enjoying the ride. Did these two get into the same crazy adventures? Did they ever scuffle with a parking meter mob boss or escape a mutant pile of Soviet-era corned beef hash? Maybe Mordecai loved to paint too?Whoever they were, that blue jay was a charmer.

"There's no more left." Thyme turned back to Rigby "That's the last one. Give it here."

"No! I had it first!" Rigby dashed back

"Well **_we_**need it more! Ellie has a very important recital tonight." She saw the lone ten dollars in his paws, "Can you even **_afford_** it?"

"**_Yes we can afford it!_**And Mordecai has a hot date tonight so you're outta luck!" He cried.

Ellie frowned. A hot date? Of course it was too good to be true, of course he'd have a girlfriend. Gluing her arm in place was a legit reason for the Wallco trip, but truth be told it wasn't the only reason. She was hoping some material therapy, some shop-a-holism, could get her out of the emotional post-breakup funk. Thyme begged her all day to just go out and do something. And all she got was another letdown.

"Hey" Mordecai saw her face turn "I mean… it's not**_really_** a date, we're just going as friends. She has a boyfriend."

But Thyme wasn't finished, "You two were lovers a minute ago. Lemme see the money."

"No! You'll steal it just like you're stealing our glue!" Rigby yelled.

"Are you calling me a thief?" The rabbit hopped forward, leaning into Rigby's face.

"Maybe I am." He crossed his arms and squinted. Flecks of green flashed across his whiskers.

This was going to get ugly, Ellie thought. Thyme was a sweetie, but she was too protective and too hotheaded for the human to handle at times. And Thyme liked her - what the rabbit would do to these two if those two crossed her was anyone's guess. "Alright you two, cool it. We can share it."

Thyme ripped the box from Rigby's paws, "The box says there's only one application." She reported over Rigby's angry yapping.

"This whole store and they only have one bottle?" Ellie tried puppy-dog eyes "Mordecai, this recital means so much to me. Please?"

Oh not this. This girl was sweet, but it was already late - to cancel with Margaret now would be terribly rude, and there was** no way **he was showing up in his current condition. Yet chivalry demanded ladies first. His mind was moving a mile a minute "It's just, I've really liked this girl for a long time, and I know she thinks I'm a screw up because I'm always getting into these kinds of situations and if I canceled now she'd think I was a jerk and..."

"Hey. Why don't you come to my recital tonight. It's a ballet, but it's not all swans and tutus" Ellie got close, leaning in enough for her cleavage to show. She felt bad for playing the boob card, but maybe she could kill two birds with one stone. "Forget the date. Stay for my recital and afterwards, I **_promise_** I'll make it up to you. Then in the morning, we'll go get you unstuck." Mordecai was stricken, locked in a gaze of lust and apprehension.

"I SAID IT'S MINE!" The couple broke their gaze as a ball of two mammals rolled between them.

"Dude! knock it off!" Mordecai snapped.

Another flash of green. What was that? Thyme pinned Rigby to the ground, holding the small box of solvent above his head. "You can't even buy it!". He flipped her on her back, pressing her shoulders down with all his might. "Just give me the box!"

What happened next was slow motion. The moment Rigby arched his back, a bright green dot settled on his chest. Mordecai's heart skipped, his eyes dashing to find the source of the light. Another Wallco employee laid prone from a catwalk with his rifle fixed on the group. Customers pushed each other aside, quivering in excitement as they waited for a glimpse of gore. "RIGBY STOP!" Mordecai was already diving in the air as the words left his mouth.

CRACK-ACK! Blood sprayed his face. _Oh God, Oh God,_ His mind screamed, _Oh Rigby what did you do?!_ Even before he hit the floor, Mordecai knew his friend was fucked. He didn't even feel his leg twist as he hit the shelves; Krazy Uncle Sam's Clinical Insanity Epoxy toppled from the shelves into a pile. Terror and shock trembled through his bones; a knot in his back squirmed. Squirmed? Mordecai flipped over, uncovering a squeaking, terrified raccoon clamped in a death grip to his side. "Rigby!"

"Shit shit **shit**!" Rigby yelped. Mordecai lifted up the small mammal, looking him over before hugging his friend tight. His pulse pounded in his ear, tinnitus yelling, screaming. Screaming. Shock jolted his body; Ellie was screaming.

She cradled a slurry of bone and flesh and fur, sobbing and screeching unintelligible curses on the floor. There wasn't much left of the little rabbit, just entrails and tattered flaps of skin strewn over two hind legs. "**Thyyyymmmme! No no no no nononono Thyme! Thyme!"** Even with the terrible sight before them, the first thought in Mordecai's head wasn't pity or fear, but relief that it wasn't him crying on the floor, that it wasn't Rigby blown all over the aisle.

"**MORDECAI! **We need to get out of** here**!" Rigby was shouting in his ear, hysterical and ready to be anywhere but there.

Mordecai locked eyes with his friend and nodded. "We gotta help her, dude." Before Rigby could protest, Mordecai was by her side. He didn't know how to approach someone like this, someone writhing like a stuck pig. "Ellie. Ellie." He placed a gentle wing on her shoulder. "Ellie, we need to leave. You need to come with us."

"Thyyyyyymee! Noooohohoho"

"You can't help her Ellie, you just can't help her. You need to come with us. We**_need_**to get out of here." He moved his free wing down her shoulder to her bloody hand, trying to pry it away from the carcass.

"No. Nononono no. You can't take her from me!" Ellie cried through closed eyes, her voice breaking.

"Come on Ellie, please! We **_have_**to go **_now!_****"**

"No!" She whipped her arm away "**_You_**did this! You. You did **_this_**!" She screamed again, holding out a scrap of drenched-red fur.

"Ellie! It was an accident! **_Please!_**" Mordecai cried back "Please just go with us, we're going to get outta this messed up place"

But it didn't help. The girl was on her feet again, throwing jars of chocolate spread at them. "I hate you! I hope you die I hate you!"

She was going to get it, the bird thought. He turned to Rigby, who looked all the more ready to bolt as he dodged exploding glass and slippery sweetness. From the rafters, Mordecai could see the rifleman's spotter whispering something. The girl was hysterical and they were just making her worse. "Ellie." Mordecai backed up slowly, grabbing Rigby by the arm the moment he was within reach. "Okay okay, we're leaving, we're leaving now." But he promised himself they wouldn't go far. They'd wait until she calmed down and they would come back to get her. A few minutes after the two turned the corner, another shot erupted, ending the screaming. The animals slowed for a moment, but they knew there was nothing more they could do.

"Dude..." Rigby sighed sadly

"I know dude." And he did. He knew everything Rigby felt right then - sadness, fear, guilt, relief.

CRACK-ACK! A hot metal slug whizzed by Rigby's ear. He yelped and sprinted forward, yelling as he turned back to see if his friend was following. "Mordecaaai!"

"Go dude go!" Mordecai was right behind.

CRACK! CRACK! CRACK-ACK! Bottles of shampoo exploded behind them, filling the air with coconut-scented spray. Rigby slipped in the goo, struggling to run while getting nowhere fast. Mordecai jumped over the spilled pool of shampoo and pushed his friend forward. They rounded another corner and slid under a pyramid of Huffer Brand vacuum cleaners. It wasn't a steel wall, but it'd have to do.

-MR-

"Hey Spence?" The gunman's spotter lowered his binoculars.

"Yeah." His partner mumbled through the rifle's scope. Six shots, but only two down. Damn. This was an off night, and any extra rounds would be docked from his pay. Maybe he'd get lucky before it was time to clock out, like that one time he got three for one when a group of teenagers started grappling at the midnight release of some game.

"Hey. Spence."

"What the fuck you want, John?" Spencer looked up.

"You know how they say the customer's always right?"

"Yeah? So what?"

"Just, I dunno, ain't it bad customer service to shoot the customers?"

Spencer grinned, pressing his eye back into the scope. "We're just thinning the herd, my friend, just keeping everyone cordial. Can't be having folks rioting again. It'd be bad customer service to **not** shoot the customers."

"I was just thinking maybe we could -"

"Hey John?"

"Yeah Spence?"

"Shut the fuck up."

-OC-

"No."

"Yes dude, you gotta."

"No, I'm not doing it!" Rigby hopped to his feet. "You can't make me-"

CRACK!

"Yah!" The raccoon ducked back under the display, shivering on the floor

"**Rigby, **you can do this. Just rub the lamp, make the wish, and we can get out of here."

"I'm not doing that again. You can't get your wish, it's all a lie." Rigby whispered. A sliver of light between the vacuums lit the fugitives' eyes. Mordecai wanted to be annoyed at his friend, but he knew just how much a bad experience could screw with someone's mind. Hell, even he hasn't used a microwave in over a year. But they couldn't stay under that display for long; if the shooters moved for a better angle or if more employees showed up, they were done for.

Mordecai sighed, "Okay dude, you don't have to do it. But I do need you to keep a look out."

"What? You can't go out there! You're a big blue bullseye!" Rigby whispered loudly

"Keep it down!" Mordecai whispered even louder "Look, we gotta get outta here. I can make it, just tell me when to go."

Rigby paused for an eternity, his eyes darting between Mordecai and the lamp display fifty feet away. Anxiety gave way to resolve; he hated the idea of facing another genie, but he hated the idea of a dead blue jay even more. "Fiiiiine" He moaned "I'll do it. I guess."

"Bro, it's fine, I got this." Mordecai assured.

"Pfft, no way man, you'll just screw it up like last time." Rigby tried to look confident, but he wasn't fooling anyone.

Mordecai looked away; he didn't want his friend to have to go through all that again, but they both knew Rigby was smaller and faster. "Thanks, bro. Don't go till I say, okay?"

"Sounds good."

"Hey Rigby?" Mordecai made eye contact "Be safe dude."

"Ugh, I'm gonna go before you try and make out with me"

Rigby sprinted from behind a concrete pillar. CRACK! CRACK-ACK! He dodged and weaved, plaster from exploding errant rounds obscuring his view. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" But he kept running, kept dashing right through a wall of paper towels. Rigby slid across the floor, settling in a pile of the lamps he so hated. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" he threw off the terrible lights and jumped behind the pyramid. At least the snipers wouldn't have a shot from back here. He reached forward for a lamp, but recoiled before touching it. Rigby closed his eyes and tried again, briefly rubbing the light.

Mist erupted from the empty socket, swirling and boiling around him as two glowing red eyes shined forth. A humanoid form took shape - a tall man with skin of smoke clad in floating garments. His voice hissed like a snake.

"In this lamp mundane

Dwells a soul arcane

A genie have you awoken

And this is your token

One wish you may make

But heed you must take

Each request must be balanced

With recompense of malice-"

"-Yeah yeah yeah" Rigby interrupted, "'Beware-young-explorer-it-is-better-to-be-poorer- than-to-lose-thy-life-thy-mind-or-thy-wife.' I'm in a hurry here dude." He finished hurriedly.

The genie was taken aback; he almost looked… hurt?

"Hey, ya know what guy? I only get to do this like, once a millennium and you're **_really_** ruining my vibe here. So okay?"

"Uh… sorry dude."

"It's fine. Anyways." The genie cleared his throat "What do you desire?

"I wish for…" But Rigby paused. They agreed he'd wish for them both to be teleported to the exit, but what was the twist? Would they arrive in one piece? Would they be surrounded by armed employees? He looked around. Scooters dashed through the middle lane at the end of the aisle, customers shuffled by the sides. A couple slowed in bewilderment at the genie and the raccoon, but shrugged and went on their way. He had an idea. "I wish for… a brick! Yeah. I wish for a brick."

"A whole brick of gold! My friend you will be rich indeed!" The genie laughed maniacally, wrapping a smokey tail around Rigby's waist.

"No! I don't want a **_gold _**brick! I want a normal, everyday brick."

"That's it? Just a brick? Like a brick-wall brick?"

"That's it." Rigby crossed his arms in defiance.

"An endless supply of bricks, perhaps? To build an impenetrable fortress of doom?"

"NO I JUST WANT ONE F-ING BRICK DAMMIT!" Rigby screeched

The genie dropped his arms and he sighed "Your wish is my command."

SMACK! A single red brick fell on the raccoon's head. "Ooooow." He rubbed his head "Wait, that's it? You dropped a brick on me?"

"The magnitude of the punishment cannot exceed the magnitude of the wish." The genie muttered as he made his way back to to the lamp, "Nine hundred years and I grant a **_brick_**."

"Wait, so if I **_did_**wish for a lifetime supply of bricks…"

"You would have been crushed to a paste. We're evil, that's what we do." And with that, the genie disappeared.

"Hm. Hm." High school diploma or not, Mordecai was **_wrong_****.** There'd be time to gloat later, and gloat he would; for now, though, he had a friend to save. He picked up the brick, making his way to the end of the aisle. From what Rigby could see, the lamp display completely blocked the sniper's shot. He strolled casually to one side, wound back and threw the brick at the next scooter to drive past. Its driver smacked the ground and rolled, but before he could get come to his senses, Rigby jumped on the scooter and sped away.

RHOOOM Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Rigby pulled up behind the vacuums. "Let's go Let's go!"

Mordecai peaked out from under the display, confused why the plan had changed but in no position to question an easy escape.

-OC-

The gunman had one more clear shot as they sped off, but he raised his gun.

"Hey Spence, why didn't you take the shot?"

"They wanted it more, buddy, they just wanted it more."

-MR-

"Aw man! It's already six, we're gonna be late." Rigby pointed to a clock tower looming above Aisle 1021: Bridles, Leather Straps, and Zucchinis

"Yeah, well, it doesn't matter. I'm not showing up like this." Mordecai sulked "If Margaret calls, tell her I died in a bus fire."

"I won't have to tell her that, cause we're going to that stupid corn maze." Rigby beamed

"What? Just forget it dude, it wasn't meant to be."

"Then I guess you won't be needing **_THIS_**!" He shoved the tattered box of Sober Aunt Millie's in Mordecai's face.

"Haha, dude! I can't believe you held onto that!" Mordecai grinned wildly, but his expression soon faded, "But it doesn't matter, we can't afford it."

"Can't we? BOOM!" Rigby thrust a fistful of twenty dollar bills in the air. "I grabbed it from that rabbit."

"Oh Rigby…"

"What? Don't look at me like that! She was trying to take our box, so I took her cash. It's not like…" He walked into a man standing in line to checkout.

"My bad, bro"

The man stepped aside, bowing. "By all means, after you."

Mordecai offered a tired smile "Thanks. It's been a rough trip."

"My pleasure. It's not as though you have much time left..." The strange man smiled politely. His grin was perfectly pleasant, but wholly menacing.

"Uhhh… wait, what was that last part?" Rigby cocked an eyebrow.

"The Tides of Madness have risen. Soon the Devouring Mist will feast on the souls of innocence." The stranger picked up a celebrity tabloid in nonchalance.

"S-Sure dude"

The man looked up from his magazine. "Are you afraid?" Mordecai felt violated as he was ogled by the creep. "Yes. You are" The man licked his lips and turned the page "Oh yes, you will make an excellent blood meal. Your screams will delight its madness; your pain will nourish its bloodlust; your terror will - What? Brittany's preggers **_again?_****"** He buried his face in the tabloid "Well that dress **_certainly_**isn't doing her any favors."

"Yeah, that's cool dude… Oh hey look, the express lane just opened up." Mordecai held a hand out, backing away slowly "So, uh, we're just gonna head over there. But good luck with that whole 'devouring madness' thing."

"Remind me to never come here again." Rigby added as they walked away.

**Administrative details:**

**If your friend is fumbling with his car keys in a drunken stupor, it's not rude to lead him back to a couch where he can vomit and grab himself inappropriately under the watchful eye of other party goers. He'll avoid death or arrest and everyone can have a good laugh drawing dicks on his face after he passes out. Likewise, critical reviews are appreciated if they are constructive. If a guest critique is reasonable and helpful, I'll happily approve i**

**Triangles is a great story by DemiHuman123. Some parts of Wallco drew inspiration from Walls-to-Walls featured in this fanfic. Quit wasting your time here and go read a better fanfic.**

**Special thanks to Pops, Musclemaniac17, Banananonymous, Brosef Chilaxton, and Origami Pegasus for your feedback! **


End file.
